“In our new world, a man’s presence—his depth of awareness—is his most valuable asset. A man’s worth can be found in his depth of being. A shallow man, easily perturbed and swayed, is worth less to his woman and his world than a man whose presence is deeply sourced.” - David Deida

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about masculinity and feeling a pull towards writing about it. These are my personal thoughts on Modern Masculinity:

A question that has been posed to men, as far back as I can remember, is: what does it mean to be a man?

Does it mean being a macho man who is strong, hides his emotions, and lives to fulfill his duties at the expense of his happiness?

Or does it mean being a simple, spineless servant who bends to the will of others and cannot stand firm?

These are the extreme cases you see in men today. There is also the notion of men who are biologically male but don't fit traditional masculine roles, a topic that is political and gender-specific, and not something I wish to discuss here.

What does it mean to be a man?

Growing up, men learn from role models around them. This applies to those who have role models; there's a whole group of men without them, which we will discuss in the future.

For me, there were a few role models from whom I borrowed aspects of masculinity:

From one, I learned relentless hard work and never quitting.

From another, the pursuit of intellect.

From another, charisma.

All of these skills and traits are great, and I've used them to get ahead in life. But many skills and traits that I, and many men, learn don't really serve us in a world that has dynamically changed.

How do you cope with a world that requires a different type of man? What do you do when the playbook given to you is outdated?

You have two options:

1. One is to follow the old playbook, where the plays are outdated and work 80% of the time.

2. Two is to change and learn a new playbook that is more adaptive to this time.

Why is this even necessary?

For the first time ever, we as men are no longer needed. We are no longer valued for the economic security we once brought. Women don't need us for protection or financial support. Procreation can now be done without a man. This brings me back to the question: what does it mean to be a man in today's time?

If we are not needed financially, not needed as the center of the household, not needed for procreation, then what is the purpose of a man?

This is new territory for men, especially for those like myself who come from environments with traditional gender roles. Throughout history, we were socialized to perform, compete, provide, and protect. We were taught to be fearless and limit our emotional expression.

Like any animal, we must learn to survive in harsh environments, adapting, surviving, and thriving in this new world as well.

Now, in my opinion, there is still a place for us to provide, protect, and compete. Not all hope is lost, gents. We can still do all of those things, just in a different way where we're able to provide emotionally, protect by holding true to our values, and compete to find our individual purpose.

Providing Emotionally:

Naturally, this can easily be seen from the perspective that men should provide emotionally for women.

While that is true to some extent, I believe it's equally, if not more, important that as men we first emotionally provide for ourselves.

Our role has been to provide and protect by any means necessary, which naturally leads us to suppress our emotions. This is the whole notion of just sucking it up and pushing it all away, thinking it’ll be alright.

Everything in your life can be going to sh*t, but we're taught to bottle it up and put it away. Part of this comes from the emotional inheritance of our fathers and grandfathers, where emotional regulation or finding ways to communicate what you felt, not only to others but to yourself, was not taught.

For my generation (millennials), our role models, who were mostly hard-working, emotionally repressed men, passed on work ethic, competitiveness, and a hunger to win, but failed to show us what an emotionally healthy man looks like.

Here's the real problem: suppressing your emotions only gets you so far.

From personal experience, when you bottle up your emotions, it's like a tub that starts to fill up over time, eventually overflowing. This overflow can be the point of true rock bottom, or you start to emotionally spill onto people around you. You project your unhappiness onto your children, spouse, family, and those you love and who love you. This happens because you're escaping the ability to love and accept yourself.

Providing for yourself emotionally means spending time not just doing the hard things life requires but also facing the emotional angst built up inside of you. That is the hardest thing to do as a man.

Can a therapist help you? Sure. Can a men's coach help you? Sure. But they can only assist; they cannot do the work for you.

Take a step back; there are two levels to this. It's not just about understanding what you feel, a skill set in itself, but the real power, for both men and women, is actually FEELING what you need to feel.

It's like looking at a steak, classifying it, asking how it was cooked. It's a whole other experience to cut open the steak, take a bite, and savor the flavor.

This is a practice I believe men need to hone, not for the world, but for themselves.

Protecting Our Values:

From protecting the world to protecting ourselves. Values are the principles and guidelines by which we live, the tools we use to make decisions. They are the rules we follow to stay true to who we are. A man without values is like a lion that has forgotten its true nature. A man without values is indeed a lost man.

There are two sides to this. The first is that men growing up now do not have real values to live by, and the second is that even if they do, they are willing to forgo their values to fit in.

This leads to settling for women who do not serve us, settling in positions where we're unhappy, and living in a way that is not aligned with who we are. This creates cognitive dissonance, or in my view, an internal tug of war between what you want and what you have. This ease of acceptance of your current status is what makes us miserable in the first place, leading to us pushing our emotions to the depths that eventually spill over.

For those men who need permission or support, here you go: end the relationship that is not serving you, find another job that allows you to do what you want, cut out the friends who ridicule you for wanting to grow, move out of your home if your parents don't support your dreams, stop watching David Goggins and Jocko Willink, and go to the gym and sweat, stop watching porn and find enjoyment in the pursuit of the right woman.

Without your values, you are like an animal that has lost its instinct, a lion that cannot hunt, or a jaguar with no teeth. Your values help you navigate the world. And if you're thinking, “How do I create my values?" The easiest way is through mentors, and if you don't have any, then it will come from self-discovery.

Some questions that helped me find my values are:

What gives you energy, and what takes it away?

What do I stand for?

What do I stand against?

Finding your values will take time for some, but the easiest way I've found is to picture the man you want to be, imagine the life you want to have, then figure out the values that man has; now live your life using those values.

Competing For Our Purpose

Go to school. Get a job. Have kids. Provide for your family. Suffer. Then die.

We live our lives pursuing a purpose that has been handed down to us from our fathers and grandfathers because that's what they had to do.

How many of us have never stopped to question: is this our purpose? Is this the purpose I want? Or is this the purpose I inherited, just like the emotional suffocation?

75% of global male suicides are rising significantly. One of the reasons for this is the lowered sense of meaning and purpose in life.

"When a man’s value is no longer measured by what he does, by his finances or social standing, how does he determine his worth?" - David Deida

I think one of the things that really impacts a man's value is his purpose. We are hardwired to have an aim, a mission, something to pursue, to keep the dopamine urges at bay. Prehistorically, it was berries in a bush or chasing down prey; now, what do we have? A job we hate, a life we hate, and a purposeless life with no aim.

This is why men need to compete again. Especially when we are young, I am really happy I did not grow up in the age of participation trophies and this perverted concept that everyone is a winner.

Where should men aim their competition?

I think as men we need to compete in our health, in our relationships, in our careers, in our pursuit of women, in our pursuit to understand ourselves, mainly in the pursuit of our purpose.

Our purpose is the North Star, the thing that we aim for. Having a purpose is a coping mechanism, especially for men, because it allows us to deal with the uncertainties of life. Here's the truth: we are in control of our lives. And we are in control of how we live our lives.

Many of us live life as if we are not. A lot of that has to do with not having a purpose. Your purpose doesn't have to be this grand thing where you need to become the next Jeff Bezos or be like Elon Musk. Your purpose starts with getting yourself off the couch and stopping being a sloppy person. It starts with improving your relationships with those close to you. Your purpose is to improve your financial status by developing skills and creating opportunities for yourself. All of these are in our control; we can keep blaming others for how our lives have turned out, boo-hoo. But if you look in the mirror, you are the one who took the actions. So who is really to blame?

Compete to find your purpose in life; if you don't know where to start, start with your health. If you're broke, start with your wealth. If you're unhappy, start with your happiness and internal peace.

Start somewhere, have an aim and work towards it, compete to become the best version of yourself, for you.

Take this from someone who has had to work through the side effects of toxic masculinity and had to relearn what it means to be a man again.

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Till next time,

-M. Malik